Today has been unequivically long. On top of general employment happenings, life has been piling garbage on me. As I try to wade through the swamp water of life, I am met with a forked road; one path is a one-way street to the mediocre and mundane while the other is a straight shot to potential misery. 

Sometimes we do too much for people who care too little. It took me the worst relationship and breakup of my life thus far to realize that. As well, that relationship taught me the true meaning of blind love. Infatuation and obsession with someone who doesn't put forth the same energy is an exhausting endeavor. The path to self-love is rocky and filled with thorns, but slowly, I've built up protective armor made of the lessons I learned along the way. Slowly, I am accepting myself while also keeping my actions, emotions, and reactions in check. I will no longer allow myself to become so captivated and charmed by anyone but myself. Reallocating this energy toward myself has made me the confident, outspoken person I am today. I'm obsessed with myself; after all, no one has to give you permission to be exceptional but yourself. I recognize now that I have so much to offer the world with my intelligence, talent, love, and general existence. Here's a poem I created that details the efforts I used to go to in order to try and convince a man that I was deserving and worthy of his love; I've realized now that I am worthy of my own love most of all. It was right in front of me the whole time, hidden in the meaning of my name.
Amanda: "feminine form of the saint's name Amandus, gerund of amāre (“to love”): thus meaning "worthy of being loved" or "worthy of love.""

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I built a ladder to the stars
Of woven bones and mousey hair.
 
I climbed the rungs
To pluck you from Orion’s belt.
 
I placed your beaming face
Beneath my breast.
 
I watched you thrive
And spread your wings.
 
I watched you fly
Like feathered bird,
 
Up and up
Disappearing into the night sky.

First of all, Happy Holidays to everyone. 
Second of all, no, I don't have brown eyes, but this is a reference to a song.
Third of all, I don't have a lot to say tonight because I'm in a weird mood somewhere between disappointed and frustrated. Instead of the usual story and insight into everything, I just want to share a poem I wrote to make myself feel better and special for at least a little while.


Your Eyes Drive Me Hazel-nuts 

Your hazel eyes are
so much more than 
brown or blue
or gray or green.

Your eyes are
red clay forest floors
streaked with veins of ore
like gold-rushed Black Hills
striped with green prairie grasses.

Your eyes are
childhood memories
of mud-puddle mischief
of weathered tree house doors
like portals to the past.

Your eyes are
hot, black coffee
dotted with bronze bubbles
so comforting,
so warm.

Your eyes are
ponderosa trunks
red cambium
​under chipped bark
dripping with honey sap.

Your eyes are
rich as chocolate fountains
paired so elegant
with champagne fizz
and cinnamon rivers.

Your eyes are
green dragon eggs
with bronze and copper scales
in a nest of brown brambles
and golden hay.

Your eyes are
damp earth
glittering with 
golden-sun-drenched dew drops
on blades of emerald grass.

Your eyes are
the warm mountain dusk
dotted with flashing lightning bugs
against blue-streaked sunsets
and sleepy gray clouds.

Your eyes are
so much more
than brown or green
or gray or blue.
Your eyes hold
the blue ocean, brown sand,
green moss, and black land.

      As I've previously mentioned, I've developed a fascination with the stars and planets and universe recently. It seems fitting that I would choose a poem about the convergence of planets on this Winter Solstice as Jupiter and Saturn overlap, creating the Great Convergence. As we enter the Age of Aquarius, I can only contemplate the future that awaits me.